Today Would Be a Good Day to Die

Reflecting on Failure

Published on June 3, 2004 By MasonM In Blogging

After my desperate attempt to escape my life ended in miserable failure and injury I am reflecting on just where I am in life and what the hell I have to live for.

Know what? I can't think of a single thing to keep on trudging through life for. My back troubles have literally made it impossible for me to work. If I could get disability the system is set up to make it a long drawn out affair, during which I'll be homeless and starving.

My girlfriend of 7 years wants to split up because I am so far in debt it doesn't look like I'll ever see daylight and she doesn't see us ever getting married because of it. Really breaks my heart.

I have a summons to appear in court because I am $11,000 behind on my child support. Not that I haven't been paying it when I was working, and it's not all behind from a continuous time frame. I have had several illnesses and injuries which have caused me to be out of work at various times and for various periods of time and it has accumulated from these. I had been working to get it caught up, but at roughly $1000 a month regular payments it has been hard to manage the extra needed to get caught up. I don't know what's going to happen in court now that I simply can't work any more. Probably jail time, and I would rather be dead than be in jail.

Every thing about my life is totally and thoroughly screwed up and I just don't see any sulutions.

I have nobody to go and stay with that I wouldn't be a burden upon. Both my brothers are struggling and can't afford it. My mother is in ill health and has neither the room nor the wherewithall for me to stay with her.

Basically, I can't think of a single reason to go on with this endless torment.

This article is a whiny, miserable piece of work that wouldn't interest anyone but I needed to get it out of my system. I don't know what I'm going to do now, but at least I got this written down, such as it is.

Comments (Page 1)

dharmagrl

on Jun 03, 2004

Hey, Mason....do me a favor and email me, will you? The address is on my blog (dharmagirl69@yahoo.com)

I know that things seem hopeless at the moment. I know that right now you think that you have nowhere to turn. I know. I can't promise you that things will get better, but I can sure tell you that I think that they will.

I want to help in any way I can...even if it's only to listen to you.

mikimouse

on Jun 03, 2004

mason you can do much better than this. Life is too short to be dealing with those troubles. Live life, be happy. DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

kingbee

on Jun 03, 2004

there may be good reasons for voluntary checkout but none of them is money.

without going into a short novel, i cant substantiate that statement to the point that it doesnt sound cliched, so youll have to determine its validity solely on the basis of whether it makes sense to you. money flows in and out of peoples lives. at the bleakest times, its not easy to see that and usually it doesnt flow in when you think you really need it. the thing to realize is money may make life easier at times but having money isnt salvation...not having money isnt condemnation. what you have never equals what youre worth. its a humbling experience (i know that so well) but as ry cooder put it so well hope lives on when pride is gone. and it keeps you moving on. and every step, every minute takes you that much farther towards that next good thing that will eventually be there for you.

i sincerely hope itll happen soon too

mignuna

on Jun 03, 2004

mason,

i would like to echo dharmas' offer of any possible means of support. and i do mean it. i can and will help you if i can, and i know i am not alone. please speak up, just say the word.

you've been through a lot. but you made it this far. please phone a friend or member of your family as soon as you can. if you feel unable to do so, use a telephone service (most allow anonymity if you prefer).

but talk, mason. talk it out aloud to someone and let them be your guide whilst you cannot guide yourself. these life problems are just elementary - you the person are a triumph of spirit over adversity. many would have given up long ago.

don't mistake your life circumstances for a reflection of the person you are. mason, there is so much more to you than that. even from this vast distance it is clear that you still have a great deal to offer.

you can do this, mason. the only reason you need is yourself and everything you have fought so bravely to become.

please, don't give up, mason

mig XX

MasonM

on Jun 03, 2004

Live life, be happy

Thanks miki. Not sure I remember how.

every minute takes you that much farther towards that next good thing that will eventually be there for you.

Thanks Kingbee. That's a nice thought and probably true. Just don't see it right now.

Mig, thanks to you. Right now I have no idea of what kind of help would possibly make things right. As to talking to someone, I just couldn't possibly verbalize things with someone right now. Things are just too messed up and frankly, I'm just too depressed to make the effort. I do appreciate it though.

Dharma..I emailed you as you asked. I really appreciate your concern, as well as the concern of the others who replied to this. Frankly I really didn't expect anyone to care, let alone reply to this pathetic article. I really do appreciate it. Right now it seems people I don't even actually know care more than the ones I do know, or myself for that matter.

imajinit

on Jun 03, 2004

hang in Mason... have you thought about talking to God about this stuff?

crimson

on Jun 03, 2004

Mason, I am here for you. I've been through some serious financial situations and can empathize completely. Foodbanks, homelessness and wondering how the hell I can make it through until the end of the month when it is only the 5th day of the week. I can only say that I am thinking of you, and just wanted to let you know that I can be reached at stopsonadime@yahoo.com if you ever want to talk.
Nicky

BlueDev

on Jun 03, 2004

Mason, I echo the sentiments of those who have offered their support. Talking about your problems, connecting with others, and reaching out to God all can help. If you need someone else to talk to drop me a line at quilapaman@yahoo.com and I will offer whatever I can.

I know it sounds shallow, I know it sounds trite, but there really is a lot to live for, and perhaps you could use someone to help you see that.

Muggaz

on Jun 03, 2004

hang in Mason... have you thought about talking to God about this stuff?

Without turning this into a theological argument - The only person who can help Mason is himself at this point in time...

writing that blog was the first step...

Dont let life get you down big guy... I know that is easy for me to say in my position, and hard to say from yours, circumstance is a biyatch... I dont know how many times I have said this on JU - but it's not what we do when life is easy that develops our character, it's what we do in the face of adversity...

Mason, I have a feeling you will be ok

BAM!!!

voodoostation

on Jun 03, 2004

Tomorrow is always a good start. voodoostation@yahoo.com

BlueDev

on Jun 03, 2004

Without turning this into a theological argument - The only person who can help Mason is himself at this point in time...

Again, without turning this into a theological debate, the above statement is only true for those who choose to not look beyond themselves.

I find the arrogance of imposing your belief system on another person quite appalling. Whereas imajinit simply offered an open suggestion, you have chosen to state your belief as unequivocal. So sad.

dharmagrl

on Jun 03, 2004

Mason, I'm looking into what the VA can do for you...I know how you feel about them, but desperate times. I'll email you as soon as I get any more info for you. Until then...take a look at the thread and see how many folks give a rat's ass about you. I know that you probably think that we're not tangible, that we can't do anything practical for you..and you're right, we can't do anything practical, but we ARE real. Behind each one of these names is a person, a real, living, breathing human, all of whom want to see you through this and onto the rest of your life. There is going to be such a thing as the rest of your life, Mason. This is but a bump in the road. You might not be able to see over it and view the rest of the path, but it's there. You've been through so much already...things that would have knocked a lesser man down and kept him there...but you've always picked yourself up and pressed on. You have the strength to get past this...and if you think that you don't, well I'll lend you some of mine and I'm pretty sure everyone else who responded here will lend you some of theirs too.

So chin up, chicken. It will get better.

Muggaz

on Jun 03, 2004

Sorry Mason.... I am gonna troll you up.

Ok, so Imajinit suggest's God, and it's an open suggestion...

I implied self help, and that is arrogance of imposing my beleif system? talk about double-standards...

im·pose ( P ) Pronunciation Key (m-pz)
v. im·posed, im·pos·ing, im·pos·es
v. tr.
To establish or apply as compulsory; levy: impose a tax.
To apply or make prevail by or as if by authority: impose a peace settlement. See Synonyms at dictate.
To obtrude or force (oneself, for example) on another or others.

You should really think a bit more before you reply....

It's irrelavant to this thread... write an article on it... hmm... I am both shocked an appalled...

BAM!!!

voodoostation

on Jun 03, 2004

Always believe in yourself first. God works for a lot of people, regardless of the imposition. Nobody expects the Christian Imposition. Asking for help doesn't make a lesser man, but a greater one. For the others arguing semantics for the purpose of raising their stature in comparison to you, you should feel pity. A grain of salt I tell you, unless of course you have high blood pressure.

BlueDev

on Jun 03, 2004

Sorry Muggaz, whereas imajinit left it as an open idea you stated it as a forgone conclusion that he had no other choice but to rely on himself and no higher power. Self-reliance is important, but blatantly declaring that it is his only option, with no other recourse certainly sounds like you are applying or establishing your belief system as absolute. By not leaving it open as an option (read your post again, you clearly did not imply anything, you declared it as an unfallible truth) you are, in essence, declaring your belief system to be more veritable than imajinit's. And since you don't know what Mason's is, your declaration is an attempt to impose your lack of faith in a diety on another person, a person reaching out for any help he can get.

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