Today Would Be a Good Day to Die

Reflecting on Failure

Published on June 3, 2004 By MasonM In Blogging

After my desperate attempt to escape my life ended in miserable failure and injury I am reflecting on just where I am in life and what the hell I have to live for.

Know what? I can't think of a single thing to keep on trudging through life for. My back troubles have literally made it impossible for me to work. If I could get disability the system is set up to make it a long drawn out affair, during which I'll be homeless and starving.

My girlfriend of 7 years wants to split up because I am so far in debt it doesn't look like I'll ever see daylight and she doesn't see us ever getting married because of it. Really breaks my heart.

I have a summons to appear in court because I am $11,000 behind on my child support. Not that I haven't been paying it when I was working, and it's not all behind from a continuous time frame. I have had several illnesses and injuries which have caused me to be out of work at various times and for various periods of time and it has accumulated from these. I had been working to get it caught up, but at roughly $1000 a month regular payments it has been hard to manage the extra needed to get caught up. I don't know what's going to happen in court now that I simply can't work any more. Probably jail time, and I would rather be dead than be in jail.

Every thing about my life is totally and thoroughly screwed up and I just don't see any sulutions.

I have nobody to go and stay with that I wouldn't be a burden upon. Both my brothers are struggling and can't afford it. My mother is in ill health and has neither the room nor the wherewithall for me to stay with her.

Basically, I can't think of a single reason to go on with this endless torment.

This article is a whiny, miserable piece of work that wouldn't interest anyone but I needed to get it out of my system. I don't know what I'm going to do now, but at least I got this written down, such as it is.

Comments (Page 2)

MasonM

on Jun 03, 2004

Firstly, I'll say that I do believe in God and the suggestion was not at all unwelcome, as were none of the others. I appreciate and, rankly, am overwhelmed by the response to my bit of self-pity and whining which I personally find disgusting.

it's not what we do when life is easy that develops our character, it's what we do in the face of adversity...

Very true words. I have always believed that to be true. Steel is made stronger by fire and so is charactor. Thanks for that reminder

I am grateful for ALL of the shows of support here regardless of personal beliefs. Just shows that concern and love can come from all corners.

I am feeling a little better this evening. Still depressed and feeling hopeless, but a bit better than this morning. I have all of you to thank for that. It's nice to know that there are caring, concerned people left in this cruel world. That can't help but be encouraging. I know I'll survive. Somehow.

MasonM

on Jun 03, 2004

Oh, Dharma. While I appreciate the thought, don't waste time on the VA. I would die before I asked them for help. I have some very strong reasons for that which are too personal and painful to expound on here. (Has to do with the death of my father) Suffice it to say that they are not an option at all. Thanks you very much anyway.

kingbee

on Jun 03, 2004

There is going to be such a thing as the rest of your life, Mason

ive been thinking about you all day, wondering if there was something more i could have said or if id been clear enough.

thankfully dharma took care of that.

dharmagrl

on Jun 03, 2004

While I appreciate the thought, don't waste time on the VA

Ok, Mason. It's your call, and I don't expect you to explain it to me. Just know that I'll help in any way I can, and that I'm always available for a chat if you want.

I'm glad you're feeling better. How's your pain this evening?

Muggaz

on Jun 03, 2004

Sorry again Mason...

read your post again, you clearly did not imply anything, you declared it as an unfallible truth

If you beleive people are just going to receive help without doing something for themselves first... well, you are very naive... Belief in yourself is an un-failable truth... whether you are Muslim, Christian, Jewish or whatever...

KarmaGirl - where are you when I need you?

BAM!!!

Gerry Atrick

on Jun 04, 2004

OK so the VA are out (I take it that means something like veterans association) arent there any other help groups over there. Seems to me your problems fall into three areas
firstly your back. Do you know what can be done to fix it up? If so is it lack of money stopping you or is the problem chronic? If it is chronic there seems to be a lot of info out there.
secondly romantic, sadly you cant make someone stick around. At the moment it sounds like you need to be thinking of yourself.
On the money front including your court case and maybe your back. I hear of lawyers doing pro bono work, are any of them able to help? Surely they can at least help with your court case and possibly they may be able to give advice on how to sort out your back. I typed pro bono into google and got quite a lot of entries, there must be something in your area.
I know you are depressed and getting enough motivation to do these things can be difficult when you feel like this. Maybe try just taking one step at a time. At least just call the lawyers.
As for 'whining', dont beat yourself up so much. Everyone needs help sometime.......went through some therapy myself just recently. I have more respect for someone who asks for help than someone whos pride will not allow it.

BlueDev

on Jun 04, 2004

Sorry about my off-topic comments Mason. Please feel free to delete them as my intention was never to detract from the thread, but I ended up doing so anyway.

My most sincere apologies.

BlueDev

on Jun 04, 2004

Oops, double post.

JillUser

on Jun 04, 2004

MasonM, keep your child(ren) in mind during your darkest times. You will remember what is good about life and what potential there is when you think about them. Hang in there for them if not for yourself.

I can relate to thoughts of ending it when you are in persistent pain. I have been in pain so bad that if I knew there was no certain end to the pain, I wouldn't want to go on. But as you have now witnessed here on JU, there are many people out there that care. As long as there is life, there is hope.

Best wishes.

MasonM

on Jun 04, 2004

Do you know what can be done to fix it up?

The problem with my back is chronic and degenerative. I've had one surgery back in 1999. It did restore use of my right leg but also resulted in increased pain due to nerve damage. There are also problems with other discs and the SI joint. All extremely painful. Further surgeries just won't help the pain. Morphene would help for a while but eventually a tolerence is built up and it's effectiveness diminishes and you just wind up addicted to it without any pain benefit so that isn't a real option either. I'm sure if I were wealthy or important they would have some means of fixing it, but since I'm a poor nobody there doesn't seem to be any fixing to it.

I have emailed a lawyer who specializes in social security disability . I am still waiting to hear back from him.

The court case is another matter. The judge who will hear the case is known for jail time in these cases. I really can't live in jail. STill trying to decide what to do about this one.

Muggaz and BlueDev...while I appreciate your input and support, this thread isn't about religion and that discussion needs to take place someplace else. I won't delete the posts as I reserve that option for highly offensive 'trolling' which I do not consider them to be, but please refrain from this debate in this thread. Thanks.

As long as there is life, there is hope.

Thanks Jill. Sorry to hear about your pain. I am trying to find some hope but it seems to elude me at the moment. Perhaps I'll be able to think more clearly in a few days.

Dharma, I appreciate what you were trying to do but I really have good reasons for not accepting any help from the VA. Thank you anyway.

Right now the pain is still pretty severe, but it should ease up in a day or two. Thanks for asking.

Sally jacobs

on Jun 04, 2004

I'm sorry that you feel this way at the moment, and I really hope that things become better for you. Which they will at some point, we all go through bad stages and good stages, it's just another one of the tests of life. Good luck, and I hope that all these comments made you smile slightly, people do care.

apollyon exterminans

on Jun 04, 2004

I have nobody to go and stay with that I wouldn't be a burden upon. Both my brothers are struggling and can't afford it. My mother is in ill health and has neither the room nor the wherewithall for me to stay with her.

Yep. you are a burden to all around you. It's good that you can face this honestly. Now take the next honest step and kill yourself. Only please - do it without further whining in public.

"Be sure to put your whole head in front of the shotgun. Thanks for calling the suicide helpline. Have a nice death."

shadesofgrey

on Jun 04, 2004

MasonM: I just wanted to throw in my support too. Anything I could say would seem trite given your situation and would pale in comparison to the wonderful support from others--so I'll simply say, I'm here if you need me and we all REALLY like having you around. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help. I know the VA is out, what about other services where you live? Does your state have any resources? I know some states have a Temporary Disability Insurance that you unwittingly pay into ever time you pay taxes. It is there for the interval between when you are able to work, and when all the red tape has been cleared for a person to be on disability. Maybe your state has something similar?

MasonM

on Jun 04, 2004

Thanks Sally and Shades.
Shades, I am looking in to that, thanks.

appolyon: thanks for the input but I have already decided that suicide may not be the best option. And while my first reaction was to delete your post I chose to let it stand as it is an honest one and I respect that.

without further whining in public.

I couldn't agree more.

Sometimes it just helps to get things outside of yourself, even if it IS whining. It's my blog and I use it to get things out where I can deal with them more rationally. It has helped to some extent. It especially helps when you can see the number of people who actually care about their fellow human beings when they are in pain and trouble.

Gerry Atrick

on Jun 04, 2004

Why do people consider anyone saying their having a bad time as whining....it's not. The worst thing you can do is bottle these feelings up inside, then it usually forces itself out in some sort of violent way.. Hollywood glorifies the 'strong silent type' when it comes to males but these guys have no where to turn when things go bad.....

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