Today Would Be a Good Day to Die

Reflecting on Failure

Published on June 3, 2004 By MasonM In Blogging

After my desperate attempt to escape my life ended in miserable failure and injury I am reflecting on just where I am in life and what the hell I have to live for.

Know what? I can't think of a single thing to keep on trudging through life for. My back troubles have literally made it impossible for me to work. If I could get disability the system is set up to make it a long drawn out affair, during which I'll be homeless and starving.

My girlfriend of 7 years wants to split up because I am so far in debt it doesn't look like I'll ever see daylight and she doesn't see us ever getting married because of it. Really breaks my heart.

I have a summons to appear in court because I am $11,000 behind on my child support. Not that I haven't been paying it when I was working, and it's not all behind from a continuous time frame. I have had several illnesses and injuries which have caused me to be out of work at various times and for various periods of time and it has accumulated from these. I had been working to get it caught up, but at roughly $1000 a month regular payments it has been hard to manage the extra needed to get caught up. I don't know what's going to happen in court now that I simply can't work any more. Probably jail time, and I would rather be dead than be in jail.

Every thing about my life is totally and thoroughly screwed up and I just don't see any sulutions.

I have nobody to go and stay with that I wouldn't be a burden upon. Both my brothers are struggling and can't afford it. My mother is in ill health and has neither the room nor the wherewithall for me to stay with her.

Basically, I can't think of a single reason to go on with this endless torment.

This article is a whiny, miserable piece of work that wouldn't interest anyone but I needed to get it out of my system. I don't know what I'm going to do now, but at least I got this written down, such as it is.

Comments (Page 3)

Gerry Atrick

on Jun 04, 2004

I have already decided that suicide may not be the best option

Mason, great news.

apollyon exterminans

on Jun 05, 2004

See, I said you were an honest person and you are. I have lived with the thought of suicide all my life. I don't talk about it because the causes of the persistence of that thought have nothing to do with anyone else, would undoubtedly constitute the 'public whining' I commented on, and would no doubt appear as petty to the rest of the world as the 'reasons' for most suicides appear to me.

Unless you're an ancient Roman there is NO justification for suicide. Those who kill themselves are moral cowards of the worst kind, leaving others behind to suffer the consequences of their cowardice. If you really don't have balls enough to live your life (that is, the general you, not you personally) then by all means die. Do it soon. But don't come whining to me for sympathy. I got none.

apollyon exterminans

on Jun 05, 2004

Why do people consider anyone saying their having a bad time as whining

Saying one is having a bad time is not necessarily whining. It might be an accurate assessment of a factual situation. Saying "Oh MY GOD my life is so fucked up because [all potential suicides please insert favourite piece of craven bullshit here] so I'm going to END IT ALL!!!" is whining, in much the same way that the whimpering of a whipped dog is a plea for the caress of the hand that whipped it, in order to take the sting out of the whipping. Which is well enough for a dog, but not for a human being. Why? Because life is a one-shot, one-way ticket to knowing the universe. If all you can do with that opportunity is throw it back in the face of the universe that gave you birth you insult the Powers of the world that formed you, you treat with disdain all those who made sacrifices so that you might live life fully, and you treat with arrogance and contempt all those who make something of life while doing so in conditions far worse than those under which you put an end to your existence.

MasonM

on Jun 05, 2004

little whip. I agree with what you're saying. I understand where you're coming from. I think you may, however, have missed the point as I stated it earlier.

The article was not intended to elicite money, a place to stay, or other "help" as described. Actually it wasn't even intended to elicite "emotional support". In fact, I was quite surprised at the responses to the article.

I wrote the article with the intention of getting these things outside of myself in some fashion to make it easier for me to deal with them. Writing is often my means of solidifying my thoughts, emotions, and troubles in a way that I can make them more concrete for myself, as well as getting them "outside of myself". I am one of those people who tends to keep things "bottled up" in myself. I would find it nearly impossible to express these things with someone in a face to face discussion. It just isn't in my nature to do that.

I also agree with you that anyone who is seriously bent upon self-destruction would not write such an article. They would simply do it. I don't doubt that at all.

To say this article was a transparent plea for sympathy is a bit off base although I can see why someone would draw that conclusion. I really never expected much in response, except perhaps for the type of response given by appollyon. The number of supportive replies really did surprise me more than you could know.

Simply writing the article and reading the responses helped me to organized my thoughts and emotions in a way that allows me to come up with some sort of plan for dealing with the situations at hand. Am I depressed? Yes, I am. Will I get over it? Probably so.

Again, I understand your points, and do not disagree with them. I do think however, you misunderstand the reasons for the article in the first place. You will also note that nowhere in the article do the words 'suicide', 'end it all' etc... appear at all. A catharsis is just that; a catharsis.

The article is a whining piece of drivel and I said so in the article itself. But it was my way of dealing with the situation at hand, and releasing some of that pent-up dispair that if held in could very lead to more serious troubles.

JillUser

on Jun 05, 2004

Mason, I think your ability to recognize how to get things sorted out with yourself is a very healthy sign. Web logs are totally meant for exactly what you described. Obviously, if you don't welcome input, you can make it a private blog. You seem incredibly open to input though. Again, another good sign.

I was impressed that you didn't get defensive at all. I think there is value in emotional support even if it comes from people you don't even know. Sometimes it can just serve as a reminder that this world isn't as bad as it sometimes seems. Or shows you that others have been through similar situations and came out triumphant.

I have no concrete help to offer you. I do, however, wish you well.

MasonM

on Jun 05, 2004

many of whom are just as screwed up as you are

LMAO a comforting thought lol

As I said LW, I do indeed understand how you or anyone else could draw the conclusion you did. I do not dispute anything I wrote, only the motivations behind it. Let's leave it at that, ok? A debate on something as silly as this would be pointless to say the least.

I have no concrete help to offer you. I do, however, wish you well.

Who could ask for more? Thanks.

MasonM

on Jun 05, 2004

LW I really appreciate that. While yes, I do consider it at times I don't think I'll ever actually follow through with it. I inherited a tendency toward depression from my father, who did follow through with it. I think that's exactly why I wouldn't do it. I have been in therapy and treatment for severe clinical depression. Was even on meds for a couple of years.

Sometimes it just helps to write things out to deal with them. I am already at the point where I am starting to make plans for the future. I will be writing another article about that shortly.

And don't worry, your reputation is safe with me. I won't tell anyone about your moment of weakness

Gerry Atrick

on Jun 05, 2004

apollyon exterminans

Unless you're an ancient Roman there is NO justification for suicide.

I guess anyone who doesnt share your belief system should check out as well.

If you really don't have balls enough to live your life (that is, the general you, not you personally) then by all means die. Do it soon. But don't come whining to me for sympathy. I got none.

Sounds a bit like the 'tough love' that people use to justify their actions because, really, they just couldnt be bothered to work towards a solution....too much effort.

Why? Because life is a one-shot, one-way ticket to knowing the universe.

pretty much agree but every so often everyones life goes, temporarily, off track. The way I see it if in some way I can help stop someone doing themselves in and they then go on to lead constructive lives then I have contributed more towards 'Powers of the world that formed you' than your cop out attitude has. Maybe what I say is trite and maybe it would make no difference but then I am no worse off in that case am I? Your attitude reeks of disrispect for those same powers you seem to admire so much.

your attitude is beloved of sporting coaches the world over....if you cant stand the heat, get out of the kitchen....may make a successful sporting team but it's hardly a recipe for humanity.

Shulamite

on Jun 05, 2004

"having money isnt salvation" Mason, I forget, by the end of this thread, which person wrote this so rather than falsely attribute it, I'm just going to say it's smashing.

Mason, I've read a lot of your posts and I think you and I have a similar world view. With that in mind, I have too long of a post to write you right now. I will however write an article for you. I don't share a lot of "personal" stuff but I will because I think it may help. And if it doesn't, perhaps it will be mildly entertaining. You've been one of my only readers lately and I feel pretty confident you'll stop by... thanks for the comments you leave.

I wish I could say that I care about you as a human being without sounding trite (as others have expressed) but I truly do. I hope you'll stop by my site. I'll be praying for your endurance, strength, wisdom, discernment, and comfort. He brings us all these things.

LYNN27

on Jun 08, 2004

I understand what it feels like to want to give up. I can only imagine what you're going through. I, personally, see a social worker. It's only today that I started reading your articles, and they are quite interesting. I am trying to read all of them, because they're that good. Many of them are heart-felt, but still good. Take care.

ScarlettAddams

on Jun 08, 2004

Hi Mason, Please feel good!!!! Life is fun sometimes if you have chocolate!!! Or sexy poetry! That's quite cool. drunkenness rates highly on the happyness scale too!!! Please don't kill yourself! I would miss reading this soooo much, you're very interesting to read about!!!

-Scarlett

O G San

on Jun 08, 2004

Hey Mason,

So many responses so I'll keep mine brief. Hope things get better soon.

MadPoet41

on Jun 08, 2004

So many responses so I'll keep mine brief. Hope things get better soon.

Mason~OG took the words right out of my mouth. A lot of JU folks enjoy reading your cool blogs. And I admire you for being so open and honest about your feelings. That takes a lot of guts. Hang in there, dude.

~MadPoet

MasonM

on Jun 09, 2004

Gerlyne: Thanks, I'm glad you enjoy reading my collection of on-going nonsense.

Scarlett: No worries (to borrow an Aussie phrase), I was just having a tough time. I do not intend to "check out" any time soon.

OG and MP: Thanks so much. MP, the easiest way to deal with feelings is to get them out and look at them. I'm a typical male in that I have a hard time verbalizing these things with someone so writing is my way of doing that.

chiprj

on Oct 01, 2004

Wow. I can only imagine the strength and determination it took to write this. It is very honest and revealing. I'm truly glad that you are here today to share this with me. And I also hope that your life has gotten better. Thank you for sharing this.

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