Last night I was feeling pretty down. I couldn't help but think about my current situation, and past ones. There was a time when I had held pretty important positions and made a decent living. I have always tried to do the "right things". I've never abused or manipulated people to my advantage, never taken unfair advantage of other people.
I have always stood on my own two feet, working for a living and trying to make good decisions about things. I have never asked anyone for a hand-out. Ever. I've done all of those things one is supposed to do, working hard, treating people fairly, and just trying to be a decent person.
Despite my best efforts, bad things just seem to happen to undo everything in my life. My current situation isn't the first time the rug has been pulled out from under me, it has been a long series of accidents, illnesses, and other negative events all of which were beyond my control.
When that person cries out to the night in desperation "It isn't fair!", I understand exactly how that person is feeling. Life isn't fair. But then, nobody ever said that it was. Life is harsh and cruel and completely unfair. Some people get lucky and live nice comfortable lives, have nice families, homes, and enjoy all of those things which makes life a joy. Some people, who go about their life in exactly the same way, are devastated by events outside of their control and are left with nothing but lonliness, misery, and a sense of desperation.
I suppose the stress and devastation of my current situation has lead to a sort of mild depression at the present time. As I have had past problems in this area I must struggle to ward off this sort of negativity before it takes root. But sometimes it just seems like "Why bother?"
What is the point of continuing to struggle? Why bother to fight the pain, the lonliness, the physical disabilities? What's the point really? It seems that no matter how hard I struggle to do the right things and stand on my own, the harder I get knocked back down. Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth the fight. It would be so easy to just surrender. Give up.
But there is some small part of me that just isn't smart enough to realize that it's an exercise in futility. It just won't recognize that winning isn't even an option any more. This is no longer living, it's just surviving. But that one stubborn, stupid little part of me refuses to acknowledge the fact that it's all pointless and a waste of time. That no matter how hard I struggle, I continue to sink deeper into the quagmire quiet desperation.
It seems that no matter how hard I am knocked down, no matter how desperate and pointless it all seems, it just isn't in me to completely surrender the fight. And I have no idea why. It really does all seem so pointless and hopeless. I'm just not smart enough to realize just how futile it really is I guess.