I was awake at 4am. I'd had a dream about my former "significant other" aka girlfriend of 7 years. I dreamed that we had met up for some reason or other. Before departing she had given me a note which basically pleaded with me to come with her back to the home we had shared for 7 years.
It was just a dream. We split up a year ago because I just couldn't provide her with everything she needed. We still talk. She calls me from time to time. She is the one who arranged and paid for my flight home from the hospital. We talk, but I can never think of much to say now.
As I lay awake so early this morning my soul was weighted heavy with things lost. Sometimes it seems that life is more about loss than it is anything else. It seems that there is far more sadness than joy.
I've never been very good at relationships. I'm far too "set in my ways" and private, and am the first to admit that I'm not very good at the whole talking thing. The talking is not something that comes easily to me, it's just not my nature. I can easliy give a prepared presentation or speech in front of a large group of people, but that one on one personal talking is just not something I do well.
I am a highly private person, very self sufficient and independent, but I do get lonely at times even if I don't realize I am. I need that human companionship and closeness as much as anyone else but sometimes it just seems that I'm not cut out for it. Perhaps it's just my fate, or nature, or whatever, to go through this world alone.
If that's true, I can live with it. I like my own company most of the time. I have little to offer someone else anyway. My soul is heavy with these things this morning, but it will be ok. Besides, it was just a dream.