The prosecutor, wearing an impeccable grey three piece suit, spoke with the righteousness of a fifteenth century Salem minister. “Your Honor, the defendant was caught red-handed and in possession of exhibits A and B.”

“The defendant”, he continued, “has made a full confession and has exhibited absolutely no remorse for his heinous crime against society. The defendant has repeatedly made demands that he be allowed to commit his crime with impunity and has expressed that he will continue to commit his crime if he is released back into society. For this reason The People request the death penalty for this defendant as he is obviously beyond reforming.”

“Objection!” cried the defense attorney. “Your honor, the prosecutor is not qualified to make such a determination as to whether or not my client can be rehabilitated!”

“Over-ruled” said the judge, sternly.

“Your honor,” said the prosecutor, “the defendant was observed by numerous witnesses, including several police officers, using exhibit A in a public park and in full view of law abiding citizens including several children”.

A murmur arose in the audience of the court. The judge banged his gavel several time, demanding silence in the court.

“As this is an open and shut case, Your Honor, the prosecution rests.”

“Does the defense have a case to present?” asked the judge.

“Yes, Your Honor” said the defense attorney. “I wish to plead, on behalf of my client, and I will note against his wishes but in his best interest, not guilty on grounds of insanity.”

Cries of surprise arose from the audience and once again the judge banged the audience into silence.

“Based upon the evidence presented,” said the judge, “and upon the recorded statements of the accused, I can find no other recourse than to find the defendant guilty as charged and impose a sentence of death for the attempted murder of the public at large. Sentence to be carried out at once!”

After the condemned man had been led out of the courtroom and to a cell to await execution, the court staff began the work of tidying up and boxing up the evidence to be filed away. As a court orderly was going about his work the judge said “John, bring me exhibits A and B”.

Examining the evidence, the judge remarked “This is surely a fine looking pipe, John. A Dunhill if I am not mistaken. A tin of Commonwealth too, I see. I remember a time when I truly enjoyed that stuff.”

The orderly gave the judge an uncomfortable look. “Oh, not these days, John,” said the judge, “but in another time these would have been quite enjoyable. But that was before we learned that such things can inflict almost instant death upon unsuspecting bystanders.”

“After all,“said the judge, “we wouldn’t have passed so many laws against tobacco if it wasn’t such a deadly substance, would we?”

The judge, once he returned to his chambers, opened the drawer of his desk and removed an envelope. Counting the contents once again he was reassured knowing that he had earned his money sending away another enemy of his benefactor, the largest manufacturer of nicotine patches in the world. After all, such people were surely enemies of the common good, weren’t they?

The judge walked out to his car feeling content. He started it up, liking the sound of the high horsepower engine, and pulled out of the parking lot leaving a cloud of exhaust behind as he made his way home.