Today was  very long.

My youngest brother, his wife, and her brother showed up here late yesterday. I had planned for them to stay at Mom's friend's  home as she has several spare bedrooms and had offered, but as they arrived late I decided to just let them stay here for the night. Besides, I hadn't seen my brother in a good while and wanted to spend some time with him. As mine is only a one bedroom place it was a bit cramped.

I let my brother and his wife take the bedroom, her brother crashed on the couch, and I slept in my recliner. Not exactly ideal sleeping conditions but I really didn't feel all that much like sleeping anyway so it was ok.

My next younger brother, his wife, and their two sons, along with one of my nephew's wife and infant all showed up late last night and checked into a hotel so I didn't see them until today when everyone started showing up.

My little place was seriously cramped for a while as family came in for the wake. Two of my uncles, Mom's brothers, showed up with their wives (two other uncles couldn't make it). With them, my brothers and their families, and everyone else who stopped by, pretty much packed my little place wall to wall.

We finally went to the funeral home for the viewing and wake. I went in first to check that everything was as it should be, and to spend a moment alone with my mother's body, and then I had the ushers allow everyone else to enter. It was very, very hard.

During the two hours or so a number of friends, relatives, and some people I had never met came in to pay their respects. There were a lot of tears as well as chit chat. I managed to hold it together through the whole thing. As the eldest brother it was my place to help my brothers and other family members through this time, shake hands, exchange hugs, and thank those who came and went. That's what was expected of me and that's what I did although I would have rather been anywhere else doing anything else.

Once we returned back home there were more visitors as well as close family just sitting around and talking for a bit. Finally everyone left for the night including my guests of the previous night who went and stayed at Naomi's place tonight. Now I have my place all to myself again and everything is quiet. I am totally spent from just holding myself together today and being strong for the rest of the family. I can now mourn in private as is my way. There's no-one here now for me to prop up and be the rock for. No-one I need to mask my feelings for.

I don't think the reality of my mother's passing had hit me until I saw her in the casket today. It was such a shock, almost like just hearing the news for the first time all over again.  It was almost more than I could take.  For a moment my mind refused to process it and I was certain that it wasn't her and very nearly accused the funeral home workers of having mixed up the rooms and leading me into the room of someone else's mother.

But of course it was the right room and it was my mother's body laying there. I had to accept that fact whether I wanted to or not. There she was, in the blue dress she had wanted for this, in the casket I had selected, in the room I had selected. I had chosen this room, actually a suite of rooms, because they were more home-like with sofas and chairs, unlike the cold impersonal chapel with it's theater-like seating.

There is no getting around the fact that my mother had suffered the ultimate fate of all human beings, and tomorrow afternoon a service will be held, her casket will be sealed, and she will be placed inside the vault that will serve as the final resting place for her earthly remains. The only comforting thought I can find in all of this is that she is no longer sick and suffering.