Some Days It Pays to Stay at Home
Yesterday I decided to take a hike in the woods of northern Washington state as I had some time to kill and really love hiking. While I was wandering through the forest checking out all the great scenery I came upon a small tape recorder laying at the base of a large tree. It was smashed and pretty much useless, but it did have a tape in it. Out of curiousity I decided to take it with me and put it in my small backpack.
When I finally returned to my truck after a thoroughly enjoyable hike, I remembered the cassette recorder and dug it. I put the cassette into my tape player, rewound it, and played it back. The following is a transcript of the tape.
Man's voice: "Dr. Harry Sullivan, Professor of Anthropology, UCLA, Berkely. I have traveled to the forest north of Seattle, Washington; an area where numerous Sasquatch sightings have been reported over the years. While I do not seriously expect to encounter the mythical creature, I do very much appreciate the federal grant which is funding this little vacation."
5 seconds of silence
Dr. Sullivan: "I have positioned myself at the base of a large tree so as to have the best vantage for viewing anything that happens to move through this area of the forest.. I will remain seated here for what I deem a reasonable...."
Dr. Sullivan whispering: "I hear some crashing sounds in woods directly east of me. It sounds like a rather large animal, a moose perhaps, is moving through the forest. It sounds like it is coming directly toward me. I will remain as still and quiet as possible and perhaps get a good look at the beast"
10 seconds of silence.
Dr. Sullivan whispering: "My God! I don't believe it. I can see something moving toward me now. It's a very large animal. It appears to be some sort of large ape covered in shaggy thick fur. It appears to be walking upright, but that's impossible!"
5 seconds of silence
Dr. Sullivan whispering: "It's getting very near now. I can smell it now. God, it's stench is unbearable."
Choked wretching sounds
Dr. Sullivan whispering: "I must remain very still so as not to spook the creature. My God, I'll win the Pultizer for this! I can see the beast clearly now, it's definately a member of the Great Ape family. Good Lord, it must be at least nine feet tall! I have never seen such a large ape in my life. It is definately walking upright. I can see it's face clearly now. It has ape-like features, but they appear to be closer to what is commonly accepted as belonging to Neanderthal than ape. Is that possible? But Neanderthal were so much smaller. It's moving closer. It appears to be looking directly at me!"
2 seconds of silence
A deep, unintelligent sounding voice : "Hello."
Dr. Sullivan whispering: "Lord, I must be imagining things. It almost sounded as if the beast spoke."
The Sasquatch: "I say hello!"
Dr. Sullivan in speaking tone: "Ummm, my God, ummm, hello?"
The Sasquatch: "What you do sit under tree?"
Dr. Sullivan: "I am, errrr, waiting for you. I think. You speak english?"
The Sasquatch: "I talk english. I talk english and talk french. I talk many talks. Why you wait for me?"
Dr. Sullivan: "I wanted to learn about you. How did you learn to talk english?"
The Sasquatch: "Me watch bald animals wrapped in rags in forest. Me listen to them sounds. Me learns them talk."
Dr. Sullivan: "Bald animals wrapped in rags? Oh, you mean these? These are called clothing."
The Sasquatch: "Why you wrapped in rags?"
Dr. Sullivan: "They, umm, protect us from the elements"
The Sasquatch: "What is elemuts?"
Dr. Sullivan: "Never mind, that isn't important. What do you call yourself? Are there many of you? Where do you live?"
3 seconds of silence
The Sasquatch: "Me called George. Me only one George. Me live in forest"
Dr. Sullivan: "George? How did you get to be called George?"
George: "Me mother call me George. She hear bald animal wrapped in rags call George and she like so she call me George. Why you ask so many answers?"
Dr. Sullivan: "Your mother. I thought you said you were the only one."
George: "Me only George."
Dr. Sullivan: "Oh, I see. What do you call your, ummm, group? What are the others like you called?"
George: "Me called George. Mother called La La. Others called many called."
Dr. Sullivan: "How many others are there, George?"
The sound of a thud as if something heavy had been dropped on the ground
Dr. Sullivan: "The creature, George, has just sat down directly in front of me. Even sitting he towers above me. He is heavily muscled and quite powerful looking."
George: "Huh? Me no understand. What that?"
Dr Sullivan "Oh, sorry George. This is a cassette recorder. I speak into it and it records my voice so I can play it back later"
George: "Huh?"
Dr Sullivan: "Never mind that now. George, how many others are there?"
George: "There is many people in forest"
Dr Sullivan: "Many people? Is that what you call yourselves? People?"
George: "Yes. Many people. We is the people."
Dr Sullivan: "That is what we call ourselves, George. We call ourselves people."
The sounds of what can be best described as a mixture between laughing and grunting
Dr Sullivan "Amazing. The creature actually seems to have a sense of humor and can exhibit laughter. Incredible. What's so funny, George?"
George: "You. People. Is funny. You bald animal wrapped in rags."
More Sasquatch laughter.
Dr Sullivan: "Hmph. Well, ok George. Let me ask you. What are you doing here?"
George: "Me talk to dumb bald animal wrapped in rags that ask too many answers."
Dr Sullivan: "Err, umm, let's see. What were you doing here before you started talking to me?"
George: "George hunting for food."
Dr Sulllivan: "Excellent! And what sort of foods do the people eat, George?"
George: "Many food. Berry, root, leaf, deer, rabbit, fox..."
Dr Sullivan: "So you eat meat?"
George: "and sometime special treat."
Dr Sullivan: "Special treat George? What sort of special treat?"
George: "Sometime special treat. Sometime bald animal wrapped in rags"
Sound of a click as if recorder stopped.
The rest of the tape is blank.