The Fog II

Published on June 9, 2004 By MasonM In Blogging

More from the old notebook:

I feel that I have spent my entire life searching for something and never finding it.

What am I searching for? Happiness? Myself? Both? Neither?

I don't know if I have ever really known who I am. No, I DO know who I am.

My depression had reached deep within me
The fog, the blackness had enveloped my mind and body
I was swallowed up and lost within it
Within myself
Although it feels like years
It has only been weeks
I am getting better now
The dark fog is still there
Cold and clinging
But it has receded a little
Beginning to lift somewhat
This shows me that I am still here
Trapped in the fog
But with a sliver of hope
Hope that I can and will burn away this fog
The drugs help, I know
But it is me, the true me
That is pushing, struggling against the fog
In the end, it will be me
That comes to burn the fog away completely

I thank those who have helped me
Shown me the way when I was lost
But it is I who has made it this far
Not alone, I have people making this journey with me
But I am making the journey happen
Going forward towards the light
I will have this fog behind me
And live in the light of day

I know the fog will always be there
Always a part of me
But I know that once I am free of it
I can keep it locked away
Stored in the genie's bottle
Locked up securely
Never to be let out
Never to swallow me up again
I will be positive
Strong and happy

I will let go of my strong demands of myself
I will be my friend
I will allow myself mistakes and imperfections
I enjoy being good at things
Some I will be
Some I won't
That's just fine
I can live with that now
I can and will live in the light
Happy and satisfied with my life
And who I am

Comments

Sally jacobs

on Jun 09, 2004

You should be so proud of yourself, and I'm sure you are. That sounds like an awful experience, but you came through it, and it's made you what you are today, and from what I've seen that's a pretty great person. You did it yourself, others helped, but it was all you, does sharing this bring back bad memories?

MasonM

on Jun 09, 2004

Proud? No, I don't guess I am really. That's one of the things I had to give up to be healthy again.

does sharing this bring back bad memories?

Surprisingly, no. Those memories are always with me. Every day. Now I see them as just something that happened to me that I have to be careful doesn't happen again. I don't see it any differently than if I'd had cancer, or heart disease, or diabetes. (sp)

Thanks for reading and commenting. These are the most personal things I have shared here at JU and am still not entirely comfortable with sharing them.

Sally jacobs

on Jun 09, 2004

It must of been difficult to share these things, my Mum suffered from depression for a short time while I was a lot younger, I don't think I could ever write a blog about it, I was angry at her for it, for a long time, I thought her to be weak, and it was just a total lack of understanding on my part. I've grown up alot still then, and though I still don't understand, I can accept it a lot better now. I have a lot of respect for you for sharing these thoughts.

Proud? No, I don't guess I am really.

I feel proud for you

MasonM

on Jun 09, 2004

I thought her to be weak

I felt the same about my father. I felt the same about myself for a long time until I realized it was a real illness. Would we consider the person who has cancer weak?

Thanks, but it's just a disease. One I happened to survive that a lot of people don't.

Sally jacobs

on Jun 09, 2004

It is an illness, and it was my ignorance on the subject that lead me to believe she was weak. I know that it is a disease, but it must of being a huge personal battle on your part. Some people give up, take other options. You didn't, you waited for the fog to lift, for that you should be proud! Thank you for sharing, and I hope my comments didn't make you regret sharing it, I realise it must be difficult.

MasonM

on Jun 09, 2004

Not at all Sally. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. I guess it is difficult for me. I didn't mean to make you think I didn't appreciate the comments.

I really do appreciate it. It's just...well...for me I have to keep reminding myself that it is just another physical illness. I never had any empathy for people with depression until it hit me. Probably, well not probably, definately, because of my father. It was very hard for me to accept that this thing happened to me of all people.

I know that sounds arrogant but that's the way I thought about it. Depressed people were weak and just feeling sorry for themselves. I couldn't possibly be like THEM. No way. I was strong and self reliant. I couldn't possibly be feeling like THAT.

Some of that obnoxious thought is still a part of me and I have to remind myself that it's a physical illness. If I didn't I'd have to shoot myself right now for being so pathetic. I have a much deeper understanding of it now than I did before. That's why I now counsel depressed people on certain websites and in irl.

I use my personal experiences and bull-headeness (is that even a word?) to help others find the strength to fight their way through the illness and find that light.

Some days it's hard for me to find it. But, I do. I usually write my feelings down (I just can't discuss them with people) and deal with them that way. I teach others how to do that too. It really does help. I am going to be advisinf people to start a blog too. I've found it reall does help.

MasonM

on Jun 09, 2004

Sally, to tell the truth, the only reason I am regretting writing these now is because either nobody is reading them or nobody felt they were worthy of comment. Other than yourself, of course.

I shared a very deep, private part of myself and, well, enough said. I guess I was kinda hoping for some sort of response that I didn't get.

I'm not sure why I even care. I guess because it's so much a part of me.A part of my soul. Ah, never mind. I've had a few beers and that alters my perception of things. It really isn't important anyway is it?

Sally jacobs

on Jun 10, 2004

Sorry it took me so long to reply, my sleep deprivation caught up with me, but I've just been woken up by a crying baby, grrr! It sounds like you are doing alot of good for people in the same postion as you, and that's amazing because people do help, they do need someone to listen to them, they do need support. As you said you do need other people. I understand what you're saying about the lack of comments, I don't think that it's people aren't interested, I think it's more about knowing what to say. People who haven't been through it, as you said, can't possibley understand, so commenting must be just as difficult. If it's important to you, it is important though!

illusivedreamer

on Jun 10, 2004

Hey Hun, I wanted to check in with you and let you know that I have read this and it matters to me. You know that I share deep wounds as such of many illnesses and being able to empty your soul on this "whiteboard" takes alot out of you, and off course if it looks as though no one is seeing this, it tends to hurt.

As you also know, I have been out of circulation for a while so forgive the delay in getting to read your blog lately. Have a second in here so I am taking advantage, and YOU are the FRIST one I am sharing a moment with. I hope that you feel better today!!!!!!!!!
Shel

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