Ok, I admit that I am not the easiest person in the world to get close to. I tend to keep people at a distance. I am not unfriendly by any means, just about anyone who meets me and spends any time with me would probably tell you that I am very outgoing, friendly, and gregarious person.
But I have a limit to that. As long as things are fun and casual it's cool. It's when someone, male or female, crosses some line between casual and personal that I put the skids on things. I get uncomfortable and have even been known to get hostile when someone tries to push past that line a little too hard.
It really isn't a conscious thing, it's just the way I am. It takes a lot for me to move past that point. I don't just mean someone getting to know me past that point, but also me getting to know them past that point as well. I get very uncomfortable when someone tries to pry into my life or personality beyond a certain point or when they tell me things about themselves that are beyond that limit.
I must just have a certain look or something because it's amazing how many confide in me about very personal things that I would rather not know. It makes me very uncomfortable at times.
I really have no idea why that is. For the most part I like people and enjoy being around people. But there is still that barrier. As I said, it's not a deliberate thing but just the way I feel.
When I do make a friend, a real friend, one that gets closer than the casual and I get closer to, I value that person a great deal. It's rare, but it does happen. The last friend I had like that was someone I met while in college. Well, ok, the real last one was my last long time girlfriend, but that's another story. This is about him.
We started out as just party buds, but over the course of time and shared adventures we got to know each other and became truly good friends. Despite our constant competition to out do each other on absurd and often dangerous stunts like climbing radio towers to steal the lightbulb or stealing city parking meters, or seeing which one of us can get the biggest bouncer in the bar to take a swing at us first, we looked out for each other's backs and had quite a few adventures together. We even took turns dating some of the same women without any of the petty crap.
We were good friends for many years, even when we eventually moved to different states. We kept in touch and got together now and then to catch up and go raise a little hell. Eventually he was killed in a car crash and that friendship ended. It was especially bad because his younger sister, who I loved dearly, had been killed by a drunk driver just a couple of years earlier.
I haven't had a close friend since then. The closest I came was my last girlfriend, but that's not exactly the same thing as I am rambling on about here. I don't really think about him often these days, but this time of year, as it draws close to the New Year anniversary of his death, and I toss back a few brews, I do think about him. And I miss him. His sister was killed on New Year's Eve. Very horrible coincidence and I miss her too.
He was a good guy. Not a straight laced type by any means, but he had a good heart and would do anything for someone in need. I do miss my friend. And to be honest I do kinda miss having that kind of friend. Someone you know you can talk to about anything without them judging you and would just listen and give you really honest feedback including telling you you're full of shit if it applied.
Yeah we used to get into trouble, have fun, and chase skirts, but we also had many, many honest and heart-felt conversations where we each knew we could say whatever we wanted regardless of how stupid or vulnerable it may be, and not have to worry about how the other would react.
We would give each other shit, but it was never anything more than good natured ribbing with a huge dose of understanding. Perhaps that's the real thing, understanding. We understood each other, and that really is a rare thing in this insane world.
Somehow I doubt that I will ever have such a friend again in this life. I really don't think it happens more than once for anyone. But I have to admit it would be nice to have someone who understands me because there are a lot of times I don't even understand me and could use someone to cut through the bullshit and tell me straight.
Ah well, another year is coming up and the maudlin mood will pass once again just as the beer does.