My Personal Extensive Research Results
While medical researchers continue to conduct study after study on the causes of cancer in people today, most of which are conducted solely to propagate the incomes of the researchers, I have conducted my own extensive research on this subject. (Is that a whopper of a sentence, or what?)
My research may have a great deal more credibility than that of others because I do not stand to make a single dollar from it. (Although a Nobel Prize wouldn't be refused). I have conducted this research solely for the benefit of my fellow man.
After years of exhaustive research I have discovered the true cause of cancer in people today. Pickles!
99.9% of all the people who get cancer have eaten a pickle at some point in their lives. How much more conclusive can you get?
Be healthy; don't eat pickles.