An evil plot to destroy the mind of the consumer (or not)
Today I had the odious chore of going to that great bastion of commercialism we (not-so) lovingly refer to as Wally World. Let me say right up front that I would much rather have my teeth pulled by a vet who just finished giving a bear an enima than to go into this mecca of the imported goods. But, I needed road groceries and am as broke as everyone else, so off I go. (I did drink a beer first, just to help numb the pain. medicinal purposes you know)
Well, I had a pretty good idea of what I needed to buy when I pass through the automatic glass doors. I could swear I caught a glimpse of a sign above the door reading "Abandon all hope". I quickly looked again but it was gone. Subliminal signage? Hmmm. Now that I think about it, it could have said "Abandon all cash". Not really sure now.
Well, I grab a cart from the friendly old fart at the door, place my bane, err I mean cane, into the cart and begin to wander through the maze of tile, shelves, and glassy-eyed patrons while the music(?) plays from somewhere above. I know exactly what I want. I will go directly to the areas which are supposed to contain these items, select them, and make a mad dash to the long check-out lines. I mentally apply blinders.
I have always wondered why they spent the money to install thirty check-outs when they never have more than six open. Well, that's another story. (or is it?)
Well, as is Wally's custom, they have moved virtually everything from where it was the last time I was tormented, err, I mean I visited here. OK, now the chase is on. Kinda like an Easter egg hunt. Where would they have moved the soap this time? hmmmmm?
Somehow, during my search for basically the same stuff I always buy, I magically find myself in sporting goods looking over cheap, poorly made camping equipment. Now why in hell did I come here? OK, back on track. FOOD is that way. That IS what I came in here for after all. Wasn't it? Hmmm. I think so.
What was it Jo Ann asked me to make sure to pick up? I forgot! I know it was something kinda important as those things go. Not, mind you, the "somebodies gonna die" important. More like the "I can't believe you didn't get that!" kinda important. The dog house really isn't all that comfortable; they're calling for rain tonight. MILK!!!!!!! That's it. Milk, the stuff they squeeze outta cows. Hate the stuff myself, but she likes it and certain foods just seem to turn out better with it.
Ok, I got the milk. And now for my stuff. Stuff. What stuff? Oh yeah. Road food.
I wander around, get everything I needed. I even picked up some stuff to make soft tacos tonight for dinner. Yum. Ok, I call Jo Ann to double check that I have everything. (Don't worry, she's used to it) I mention the taco thing. "Did you get the taco shells?" she asks. "Yup" I say with a certain pride.
"What about a tomato?" she askes. What does she think I'm an idiot? "Yeees" I say smiling in my voice. "And lettuce?" she inquires.
Lettuce? "Ummm, no." I said. "You need lettuce for tacos" she instructs me rather patiently.
Umm, oh ok. I hang up. I'm standing between the produce and the bread. Bread!!! I almost forgot to get a loaf of bread. Ok, got the bread. I once again double check the cart and tick off all the items. OK, I have everything. I'm sure of it.
It only took about 20 minutes to get checked out and to the car. After unloading my prizes at home, I suddenly realize that I forgot the little aluminum bread pans I use to heat food in the truck. Rats!!!!!
I put everything away. Where's the lettuce? Hmmm. Not here. Not there. Damn!!!!!! I forgot the lettuce! Why didn't she remind me to get lettuce? It's HER fault.
Well, now I am steeling myself (drinking beer) to get ready to return to Hell and retrieve the crap, err, items which I seem to have overlooked.
I am normally a very mentally sharp individual. My memory is like a...ummm. what the word?...oh yeah, steel trap. I swear Wally World uses some kinda of mind control on their customers. Probably subliminaly through the muzac crap they play. Or maybe some odorless gas in the ventilation? Hmmmmm. Somehow every time I go in there I forget what my mission is, and I either wind up with a load of stuff I didn't go in there for, or forget the things I wanted. Sometimes both. Ok, often both.
Somebody should really do something to stop all this. No wonder they are the largest retailer in the world, what with using mind control and all.