Tonight was a typical night at the yard. After doing the things that had to be done I went down to the bar at the bottom of the hill for a bite to eat and a few brews. Naturally a few of our drivers and the guys from the office also wandered in.
Some folks seem to bond, some folks don't. I guess I'm one of the "don't". All of the folks I work with know my name and are all friendly, but we aren't close. Some of them do seem to be close and know a lot about each other's personal lives. I am not in that group. Everyone seems to like me well enough, and I them, but we aren't close.
It must be something about me that prevents this closeness. It's been that way all of my life. Very few people have ever been close to me in my life or I to them. I am not snobbish nor am I unfriendly. Quite the opposite in fact. But there must be something about my nature that prevents me from being too close to other people or them to me. I have no idea what it is.
This is not the first time I have noticed this situation, and will likely not be the last.
I am not the most socially adept person in the world. Far from it. But neither am I completely unskilled in the arts of social intercourse. So what is it about my person or personality that prevents the kind of intimacy I see in other people? Beats me. I'm not unintelligent but I do not go out of my way to make others feel less intelligent. I'm pretty direct and honest about what I think and feel, but somehow I don't think that could be the reason either.
For whatever reason, there is something about me personally that makes people either disinterested in being close to me, or adverse to the same. I wish I knew. I like people for the most part and wouldn't mind having closer relations with some of them. But at the same token I am a private person and resent it when someone I don't know well tries to pry a little too deeply into my personal life. Perhaps that shows in some way and turns people off. Where is that delicate balance?
Tonight I watched the interactions between my coworkers and felt a pang of jealousy as they seemed to be far closer to each other than to I and had to wonder why this is.
Bu then, for whatever reason, everyone that works here knows who I am. There are drivers here whom I have never met before that approach me and know my name even though I don't know their's. I suppose there is something to be said for that. I have always been one who commanded and insisted upon respect and I do receive it here. Drivers whom I have never met approach me and ask my advice about various things ranging from how to secure a load to customer relations to marital problems. I am always happy to answer their questions.
Respect is a good thing and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but there is more to life than that and sometimes I would simply like to have a friend. A person with whom I could share those trivial everyday things that happen in a person's life. I am not talking a lover as that is a different kind of relationship, but a friend who understands you and accepts you for who you are.
Ah well, life goes on as it has for so many thousands of years. I'll hang up my fedora for the night and save these selfish and self pitying thoughts for another time. There are far too many who have it far worse than I.