I was always one of those "serious" people. I took life seriously, I was ambitious, always looking to move up, make more money, all of that crap. I was also a strong, rational person. I never showed real emotion to anyone, not even myself. I never "blew up", or showed disappointment, or got truly upset about anything. Yes, there were times when I got into fights with people, but even then I never really got angry. If anything I got even colder.
A couple of women I had dated in the past even commented on the fact that I was too cold, "not human". I didn't even allow those comments to hurt me. I was who I was, an intellectual.
It was all bullshit.
I was simply burying my real emotions under a deep facade of intellectual bullshit and a false front of strength. Of course I didn't actually know this at the time. I hadn't yet discovered the source of true strength or confidence that comes from being yourself and letting go of the bullshit.
One day I found that I just couldn't function anymore. I just shut down. I mean I literally couldn't function. I was unable to go to work, take care of myself, or even hold a conversation on a basic level. I was done.
Lucky for me, I was living with a woman who worked in the health care industry who recognized the symptoms; severe clinical depression. (She was actually one of those who had made a comment at some point that I never really seemed to show any human weakness at all). Basically, I imploded.
I went through a couple of weeks in the hospital, therapy, drugs, the whole deal, and then a couple of years of drug therapy to maintain. Finally I was at the point that I got myself off the drugs. I had discovered that life isn't about acquiring money or things, or about being "on top", but rather it was about enjoying your life, being good to other people and yourself, and that all of the rat race crap was for the rats.
I'm writing this because I realize that it's been almost 10 years since I "imploded". I'm far less wealthy than I used to be; flat broke in fact. I'm working as a truck driver instead of in the field for which I spent all that time in college, and I live alone.
But I'm happy. I consider myself a winner by my standards, not the materialistic standards of society. I laugh at least once every day. I am my own man, I do what I want, when I want. I do something nice for someone else every day. I don't hold back my feelings, I experience them and enjoy them. Even the negative ones. Oh yeah, did I mention that I laugh at least once every day?