A bunch of useless crap
Published on October 9, 2011 By MasonM In Blogging

This is the sort of conversation one can have when spending a lot of time behind the wheel. I was on my way from New York state to Wisconsin.

Me: I can probably make it to Roseland by five or six o'clock. I can get a room and then bobtail over to Tinder Box to look at pipes.

Me too: No.

Me: No? Why not?

Me too: No more pipes.

Me: Huh? Why not?

Me too: What is that in your hand?

Me: The steering wheel.

Me too: No dummy, the other hand.

Me: Ummm, a cigarette.

Me too: Right.

Me: So?

Me too: So you don't need any pipes, you have cigarettes.

Me: That has nothing to do with it. I like pipes.

Me too: So why aren't you smoking a pipe?

Me: Well... I felt like a cigarette.

Me too: So, you like the cigarettes better.

Me: No, I like the pipe tobacco much better.

Me too: And yet there you are, smoking a cigarette. Kinda funny eh?

Me: Well, no, not funny. It's just... I felt like a cigarette.

Me too: Uh huh.

Me: What's that supposed to mean?

Me too: Oh, nothing.

Me: That wasn't nothing. That was Uh huh.

Me too: Uh huh.

Me: Stop that!

Me too: Ok, here's the deal...

Me: Deal? What deal?

Me too: I was getting to that before you interrupted me.

Me: Uh huh.

Me too: Now you're doing it.

Me: Doing what?

Me too: Uh huh.

Me: I said to stop that!

Me too: Ok, let's not go there. As I said, here's the deal...

Me: There you go again with the deal thing. What deal?

Me too: If you'll stop interrupting me I'll tell you what deal.

Me: Ok, let's hear it then.

Me too: No more pipes.

Me: What?!

Me too: Hear me out. No more pipes until you stop the cigarettes.

Me: But, but, but...

Me too: No more butts.

Me: That's a really bad pun.

Me too: Yes, well, nevertheless, no more pipes until you quit the butts.

Me: Well, I am going to quit them, eventually.

Me too: Then you can buy a new pipe.

Me: I can?

Me too: Eventually.

Me: You're just plain mean.

Me too: It's for your own good.

Me: A new pipe would be for my own good.

Me too: I'm sure it would. Just quit the cigarettes.

Me: Well, how long do I have to quit the cigarettes before I can buy a new pipe?

Me too: Forever.

Me: Forever? But, but...

Me too: No more butts.

Me: I told you that's a bad pun. Knock that off.

Me too: Ok, no new pipe.

Me: Wait, wait. If I have to wait forever then I'll never get to buy a new pipe.

Me too: Ok, knucklehead. You have to quit them forever, not wait forever to buy a new pipe. Man, you can be really dense.

Me: No need for insults. How long do I have to go without a cigarette before I can buy a new pipe.

Me too: Well, let's see... How about a month?

Me: Which month? February?

Me too: Sigh. Let me re-phrase it. 30 days. How does that sound?

Me: Does it have to be 30 days in a row?

Me too: Yes, of course it does chucklehead. 30 consecutive days. Any cheating resets the clock.

Me: You really are mean.

Me too: Yes, well, is it a deal?

Me: Doesn't sound like much of a deal to me.

Me too: So it's no then?

Me: What if I do say no? What are you going to do about it?

Me too: I won't let you buy any new pipes, ever.

Me: I can do as I please.

Me too: Not without me you can't.

Me: But, but...

Me too: No more butts.

Me: Knock that off already!

Me too: Ok, ok, but is it a deal?

Me: I thought you said no more butts.

Me too: Get serious, would you?

Me: Ok, but quitting is hard. You remember what happened the last time I tried to go cold turkey? My IBS flared up so bad I had to start smoking again just to settle it down.

Me too: Yeah, that was a really bad day.

Me: No need to be sarcastic.

Me too: How often do you light up a cigarette right after finishing a pipe?

Me: Well... not that often.

Me too: Remember who you're talking to here.

Me: Oh yea, that's right. Well, ok, fairly often.

Me too: You're addicted. You're a butt junkie.

Me: No I'm not!

Me too: Face it, you have a camel on your back.

Me: Shouldn't that be a monkey?

Me too: I've never seen a monkey on a pack of cigarettes. Have you?

Me: Well, ok, you have a point there.

Me too: Start slow. Whenever you crave a cigarette right after finishing a pipe, make yourself wait 30 minutes before lighting the cigarette.

Me: 30 minutes, huh? I guess I could do that.

Me too: Sure ya can. By then you might even want another pipe instead.

Me: Sure... maybe.

Me too: Other time, when you feel like a butt, fill a pipe with burley instead. Then, after that if you still want a butt wait the 30 minutes and see what happens.

Me: Well, I guess maybe that could work.

Me too: It's a start. Then, once that becomes a comfortable habit you push that back to 45 minutes, then an hour, and so on.

Me: Well, I guess that sounds like a plan of sorts.

Me too: So it's a deal then?

Me: Ummm, well, I guess so.

Me too: I guess so doesn't sound like much of a commitment to me.

Me: Ok, it's a deal.

Me too: What deal?

Me: Are you kidding me?

Me too: Of course I am. I want you to say it.

Me: Say what?

Me too: The deal, dummy. Say it!

Me: Ok, ok. No more pipes until I quit the cigarettes. But...

Me too: No more butts.

Me: That's still a bad pun, don't do it again.

Me too: OK, so it's a deal then.

Me: Yeah, yeah, it's a deal.

Me too: Great, now about your dietary habits...


Comments
on Oct 10, 2011

Yea, NY to Wisconsin is a LOOOOONG trip.

on Oct 10, 2011
It can be
on Oct 12, 2011

I was beginning to think you were married..

on Oct 13, 2011
on Oct 14, 2011

DOING THE HAPPY DANCE HERE MASON.  You could have been coming up on 8 years if you had just stuck with me and the group.     Stubborn one you are but smart too.  Let the smart run your life for awhile. Remember the trick to put the unspent $$$$$ aside for a reward.  What  beautiful pipes will be in your future. happy, happy, happy dance!   YEAH.  

on Oct 16, 2011
LOL Thanks, Judy. Frankly, I am just tired of them.
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